I started writing this book in 2006, nearly two years after Sharon had died.  I was writing lots of songs at the time and I wanted to tell the story behind the songs, to give them a framework.

I talked with Sue, M’s Mum, and we worked out when things had happened.  She had kept a diary and was able to check back on the things that neither of us could remember.  It had been such a sad time and it was hard to revisit it, but we needed to put it all in order.  It seemed vital to get all the dates right and tell the story as it had happened. I suppose it helped us to make sense of it.

Also we were able to share memories of things that had happened before Sharon was ill.  We talked of those days and again tried to put events in order so that I could write a brief story of Sharon’s life to put in the book.  It was good to revisit happier times.

I talked to my sister Sue; we shared memories of Sharon and I put them in the book.  She told me about Esther’s Moon Walk and why she was doing it.  Esther put so much effort into making that a success.  I tried to get the details right so I could put that in too.

When Sharon had died I had asked people to record their memories of Sharon in a special album and I looked back through that and included some of those memories.

As I started to put the book together I saw Bob and talked to him about it and he encouraged me to go ahead with it and then try to publish it.  It began to seem possible that I would be able to publish the book.

I bought the ‘Writers and Artists Yearbook, read some of the ideas and started to send the foreword and first chapter of the book to publishers.  It took a long time for some of them to reply and it was very disheartening to read that they did not want to publish the book that told Sharon’s story.

I kept on going; I felt strongly that someone ought to publish the book so I kept looking and sending it to different publishers.  I had written a synopsis and I tried to write a convincing letter to each publisher so that they would think that this book was different from all the others they were sent.

In the end I think I must have got tired of it all and wondered what was the point.  No one wanted to publish it.  I probably hadn’t told Sharon’s story very well and who would want to read it except for family and friends? I had e-mailed it to most people who I thought would want to read it anyway.

I still read it through and tinkered with it, and one of my friends started to read it through and make suggestions.  But really I thought it was just about finished and maybe the main thing had been just to write it all down.  It had been good for me to do it, but it didn’t matter if it was published or not.

Time went on and the book just sat there through most of 2008 and I didn’t think about it much.

But my sister said that it would be nice for each of us to have a ‘proper’ copy of the book.  Maybe if I printed it out for everyone who wanted one and put it in a folder or binder to keep it together.  I thought that a binding like I had had for my M. Ed. Dissertation would be better than just a plastic folder.

So at the beginning of 2009 I decided to put Thursdays aside for finding out about how to get the book bound.  I visited local firms of bookbinders and printers to see what they could do and what it would cost.  I also had a look on the net to find out about self-publishing.

There were firms that would publish just a few copies of a book, as many as you asked for.  You could choose your own cover and put photographs in.  You could choose how it would look and then self publish for a reasonable amount of money.  It looked a bit complicated and scary, but the finished result looked more like a ‘real’ book.

I decided to try to self publish in this way.  But I hadn’t looked at the book for sometime and I knew it was full of mistakes.  Another friend offered to proof read it for me and when she had done it she returned the original to me so I could start to correct my mistakes.

As I read through the book – by now it was the summer of 2009 – and started to ‘do my corrections’, I realised that by now I was in a very different place and that I wanted to write about things in a different way.

In the first place I found that I was looking back at events and feelings rather than being in the midst of them.  I had written, “I feel overwhelmed”, but now I wanted to change it to “I felt overwhelmed”.  I was still so sad that Sharon had died, but I didn’t live in that sadness all the time.

By now I had new routines and new things to do.  I did supply teaching once a week; I had trained as a Bereavement Support volunteer and was working with several clients; I helped out at the Oxfam shop on Friday afternoons.  I had met new people; I had new roles and things that made me feel useful again.

By now M had found a new partner – very different from Sharon, but a lovely, kind and clever lady    – and they were living together.  She already had two teenage children who became a much-loved part of his family …and in the autumn of 2008 they had a new baby daughter!

E was such a sweet baby; she was adorable and everyone loved her.  I said something about being a granny-in-law and they said, “You can be Granny Jane”.  What a wonderful gift!  I could be a sort of Granny after all!

I consider myself very blessed and truly lucky.  M and his partner and her Mum and Dad included me in lots of family events. I was even asked to her first birthday! There were all the grandparents, even me, watching E’s sisters help her unwrap all her cards and presents.  She was so pleased with everything and loved being the centre of attention. It was a happy time, a day to remember.

* * *

Of course there is still sadness for the loss of Sharon.  It still seems so unfair that she had had so little time.  We miss her especially at anniversaries, but we think of her a lot.  I think of her every day and remember times gone by, but also I talk to her and watch films that she would like and feel close to her.  I feel that she still loves me and I still love her and the love goes on.

It will always be so sad that Sharon missed out on so many things that she might have done and experienced.  It was unfair; it wasn’t what she hoped for and planned for.  That sadness always remains.  But in a way I haven’t lost her because I still have all the memories.  I’m so glad that she was the sort of the person she was and that she loved us all and that we loved her. We still do!

I was lucky that I could talk to other people who knew her and remembered her.  We could share the memories and keep the anniversaries.  We would always remember her.

In the summer of 2009 came the fifth anniversary of Sharon’s death.  It was also the summer when she would have been forty.  It was very important to keep that anniversary and to remember Sharon.  I wrote a song called ‘We will always remember you’ and Sue and I went to Sharon’s grave on that fifth anniversary.  We said prayers, told Sharon that we still loved her and sang the song.

On 24th August Sue was in Australia so I went up to Sharon’s grave on my own.  I took 40th birthday cards and badges and a balloon saying, “Happy Birthday! You are 40”.  I said prayers and read out the 23rd Psalm.  I talked to Sharon and sang her the song: ‘We will always remember you.’  I tried to attach the balloon to the grave but the wind was blowing too hard.  In the end I gave up and took the balloon home with me.  I could imagine Sharon laughing with me at all my efforts to tie it down.

Meanwhile, in Minehead, Sue and Chris, Dave and Esther, Gracie and Matt had gone to a special memorial occasion where people lit candles for those they had lost and runners ran round a race track to keep the memories alive.  They lit a candle for Sharon.

Meanwhile, in Preston, Janice and Leslie and Helen had planted a rose for Sharon.  It’s called ‘Carefree Days’.  They sent me a photo and it’s beautiful.

Down in Devon Jenny (Tony died a year after Sharon) keeps an eye on the rose that M planted for Sharon in the pub garden.  Sue and I went down in autumn 2009 to attach a new metal memory marker (the lovely one that M had put there had got lost.)  The rose flowers every year.

Sharon, we love you, we miss you.  We will always remember you.