Sometimes, especially at the beginning, there were so many memories; it felt as though I was overwhelmed with them.  But I didn’t want to forget. What would I do with all these memories?  And what would I do with all those things around the house that reminded me?  I couldn’t throw anything away.  For months, for years even, I just left some things the way they were.  I kept the cards, the photos, anything that reminded me of Sharon.  They felt like a last link with her.  I had to keep them. They were part of her.

As the time passed I began to feel a bit like Miss Havisham in ‘Great Expectations’; I didn’t want to get rid of things, even little things, because they were a symbolic link with Sharon.  I couldn’t see her, but I could still see the things that reminded me of her.

Bob suggested putting special things into ‘memory boxes’.  So I started to find containers for the things I wanted to keep; I sorted them out and put them away. Those special things were safe and I knew where they were.  I could get them out when I wanted to and remember and cry over them and treasure them.

Bob suggested that I might think of a song about a memory box.  As time went by I began to have some ideas.  One was more of a poem, just a few lines about what to do about the memories.

‘I’ll put those precious memories
Into a little treasure chest.
I’ll hide it deep within my mind,
But sometimes open it and find
The perfect days;
Those perfect days.’

In February 2006 we had a party to remember Sharon and to raise more money for Cancer Relief and Sobell House.  It was Sharon and M’s wedding anniversary and we wanted to do something to mark the occasion.  Sue and I organised it and M did the disco.

We sent out invitations and made lists of things to buy.  There was quite a lot to do, but it was fun doing those things together and thinking about parties that Sharon had organised in the past.

One day when I was driving over to Didcot I started to think of a song about memories.  I had to drive a bit further so I could work on it some more. Then I had to write it down so I wouldn’t forget it. The only piece of paper I could find was the back of a list of things to buy for the party.  It was a song about memories and how we keep them safe; it’s important to have things that remind us, so that we can look at them sometimes and share the memories with other people who remember.

When I got to Sue’s place I sang her the song and she liked it.  It had joy and hope in it; it helped us to remember.

“I’m going to open up my precious memory box.
There’s so much inside it just for me.
I’m going to open up my precious memory box.
Come and look inside it with me.”

* * *

‘Going back’ is another song about memories.  In late August 2006 I went down to Dorset and Somerset to talk to some of the people who had known Sharon.  I wanted to see them, but also it was important to talk to other people who remembered her and share the memories.  I wanted to find out if there were things that they remembered that I didn’t, things I didn’t even know about.    First I went to see Karen and Graham from Weymouth.  It was good to talk to Karen.  We had taught together in Dorset and she remembered Sharon at the age of four, skipping around and playing at the cottage down the road from the school.  They had both known Sharon as a child; she had been a bridesmaid at their wedding.

Later they had known her and M and had fun with them. They had invited them down to stay when Sharon was ill and Sharon had really enjoyed those days in Weymouth. It had been a special time for her.  Karen told me about those days and ‘filled in the gaps’ for me.  I showed her some of the songs I had written. When I visited, I wanted to go to places that Sharon had been happy.  It felt like a sort of pilgrimage.  One day we went to the ‘Monet gardens’ and I saw the Monet bridge that Sharon had loved.  It felt good to be there.  It felt as though part of her was still there, in a place where she had been happy.  I could almost reach out and touch her.

It feels like that at Jenny’s too.  Jenny and Tony’s house and the road down by the estuary are one of Sharon’s special places.

The haunting sound of the birds on the marshes and the wide, open vistas over the water are very beautiful.  Jenny and Tony were so fond of Sharon.  She must have felt very much at home there.  She loved it; it was a special place for her and in a way it feels like she’s still there.

Some days when I go for walks in the country I feel very close to her.  I reach out and touch the leaves and it’s as though I’m reaching out to touch her hand.  I feel that she’s keeping an eye on me and making sure that I’m OK.  Some may say it’s just my imagination, but I’m glad of it.

Have you heard of white feathers?  Some bereaved people say that when you see a white feather it means that the one you lost is thinking of you.  I’m sure Sharon sends them for me!

After I had seen Karen and Graham I went to visit Richard.  His house was about half way between Weymouth and my sister’s place, so I stopped off for a cup of tea with him on the way.  Richard has such an incredible memory.  I felt that if there were things I had forgotten, he would remember them.     He had known Sharon for all the years that we were together, from the time she was four years old to the time he left when she was fifteen.  He had kept in touch with her and visited her.  She and M had visited him and met his new wife.

It was good to see him and talk with him, but I got the feeling that he didn’t want to talk about anything deep or sad.  He had his own memories of Sharon and of me, but now he was leading his new life and he didn’t want to do the “Do you remember?” game.  It was nice to see the place where Richard lived and to know that he was happy and settled.  Just seeing him reminded me of all those times when Sharon was young and we all lived at Hanney together.

Richard had given me some photos of happy times that we had spent on holiday in Norfolk.  It was good to look at those and remember things we did and said then.

In the song, ‘Going Back’, I wrote:

“And I need to talk to the people who remember.
I need to share the things we did then.
I’m afraid I’ll forget
And I need to treasure
Those memories from way back when.”

Looking at photographs brings lots of memories back, but sometimes it can remind you of all the things that you don’t remember.  There are so many things that I have forgotten; I know that they happened, but I can’t recall them to memory even if someone tells me about them.

I wrote another song, ‘Help me remember’, about the frustration of not being able to recall some of those special times or even some of the ordinary times.  I want to remember, but I can’t.  And Sharon’s not there to ask.  The more I try to remember, the more it hides from me.  It makes me sad to think that perhaps, at the time, I just wasn’t paying attention.