I think even if I had turned to words and music to try to express the sadness, on my own I would have fizzled out after a few desultory tunes and lyrics.  Going to a song therapist made all the difference.  I owe an enormous debt of gratitude to Bob and to Sobell House Bereavement Service.

Bob helped me by valuing what I made up so that I believed it was a real song.  He gave me the space and the time and the opportunities to try to make sense of it all in songs.  He started me off with ideas for new songs from things I had been talking about.  He helped me improve the songs because he knows how songs go, the shape of them and how they work.  Most important, he helped me to have the confidence to go on writing songs.  He encouraged me as I wrote this book.  I will always be grateful for the way he has helped me.

* * *

Because it was almost a year after Sharon died when I started going to Bob there had been quite a time lapse between things happening and me writing that first song.  I think that when I was totally overwhelmed by what had happened I did not have the time or the energy to create songs.  Later, when some time had passed, I had more energy and I had had time to reflect and realise how I really felt.

There were so many different feelings that welled up in me at different times.  I know I couldn’t have expressed them by talking about them, but the songs helped me to express them in a way that nothing else could.  When I put them into songs somehow they gave me a handle on those feelings.  I no longer felt so helpless or hopeless.  The songs carry the feelings.   I didn’t need to feel the weight of them any more.  Although all the sadness is still in them and the songs can make me cry as I sing them or listen to them later, there is a triumphant quality to the act of having created them.  Catharsis?  Is that the right word?

‘It’s my song.  Listen to it. That’s how I feel!’

The subjects vary, but they’re all stages on the way, this journey I’m making through the world, learning to live without Sharon.

* * *

As time went on I carried on making up songs.  There were so many repercussions to the fact that Sharon had died.  Sharon is still such an important part of my life.  It’s important to me that I still talk about her and remember the happy times and say the things that have made me so proud of her. Sharon is still here in my heart.  She always will be.